I often see horse for sale ads that are, how shall we say… full of crap.
My favorites are the ones reading, “He’s a unicorn! No vices! I have no idea why he’s still here!” Probably because pretty as he may be, he’s a dingus, Carol. Just be honest.
As someone who has six horses, I maintain you should list everything you know about that horse and let the horse apples plop where they splatter.
In that vein, here are mock sale ads, full of the good and the bad, for my six horses in order of acquirement.
1999 Bombproof Quarter Horse gelding
Blood bay, short but thick
Bombproof personality. He doesn’t care and you can’t make him. He would 100% follow you into Walmart. Perfect buddy horse for a horse who’s scared to go anywhere. Leave your doors shut, even your tack room trailer door. He will go in. He’s not so much “in your pocket” as he wants to know what is in your pocket. Be careful feeding, he may bite off your thumb. Very lazy when he’s bored. He’s bored a lot. Very animated when he’s excited, but there’s no way to train for this. Not an arena horse. He will not circle more than one time without attitude. Prefers trail but only when it’s new. Dinky trot, okay canter. Canters for a few strides then acts tired. Easy to catch when it’s dinner time. Runs away like the gingerbread man when it’s not. Sweet natured. Mouthy. Stands still for fly spray. Stands mostly still for feet trimming except when he gets bored. Loads everywhere.
2008 Arabian Mare Paperbag Princess
Dark bay, height depends on if she’s tossing her head
Russian-bred princess who’s too good for this. Hates riding at home in the arena but will act perfect in a lesson to convince your trainer that you’re insane. A show off when there’s an audience. A dirty, dirty hoe bag when in season. Literal dirt, she is never clean. Bisexual for the right mare. Prefers trail work. Very relaxed when solo. Competitive freak show when there’s company. A fox hunt is not long enough, it’s just warming up. Do not recommend, too much pulling and swearing. An absolute endurance queen for the first 30 miles. Terrible drinker, will not drink. Refuses water unless it’s been 30-35 miles, she will completely stress you out over this. Will hoard the water trough at home if other horses want a drink. Will bully other horses for their hay even though it is the same hay. Once slashed her face open on a Sunday night just to stress me out. Beautiful extended trot, the most comfortable canter that has ever cantered. Pathetic walk. Just get off and lead her, she’ll make you crazy with that meander. Loads great. A dream when trimming hooves. Great feet. Hates fly spray but loves its effects. Only spooks on the most wonderful riding days and jumps sideways ten feet in a fraction of a second. She’ll force you to develop a deep seat!
2016 Arabian Gelding all-around trash-talking competitor
Light bay, height: Napoleon (with attitude to match)
If Mighty Mouse had a love child with a firecracker, you’d get Ransom. Pure athleticism in a tiny package, he’ll make you wonder if you should do rodeo. A dirt bike with opinions, Ransom hauls ass from zero to thirty in no time. Incredible turning abilities. Incredible tantrum abilities. Can sense a fly twenty feet away. Confuses butterfly shadows for deer flies. Incredible head carriage with stretching abilities. May one day take your face out with his face. Think of it like a violent kiss. Has the emotional maturity of a fetus. Conveys his displeasure with your agenda instantly. Hates riding behind other horses. Will kick and buck in a tantrum. Hates being told what to do, would prefer to do it his way, his way is better. Prefers to lead. Prefers to pass. Prefers to catch up with the slow, punk ass losers in front of him. Pins his ears at horses in his vicinity. Is often mistaken for a mare. Eats on the trail. Drinks on the trail. Takes wonderful care of himself. A trouble-making fiend at home. Often runs into things when he’s playing. Encourages others to play with him usually in tight spaces around trees and always during electrical storms. Loads easily. Calm in new situations. Great traveler. Probably the fastest horse around. An absolute thrill to ride if you can stay on.
2013 Quarter Horse Chestnut Mare with Sass galore
Cat is a chestnut mare.
Age unknown big-hearted Dutch Harness gelding
Chestnut paint, height: nose-bleed, requires five step ladder
Vander is a giant horse with an even bigger heart. Beautiful chestnut paint with white blaze and four white stockings. Poetry in motion. Gorgeous trot and majestic canter. Loves people, loves cuddles. Hates smaller geldings and will viciously attack. Keep separated or with an old fuddy duddy gelding who doesn’t have time for his shit. Very smart and honest. Total coward. Scared of cows even after seeing cows hundreds of times. Will lose his mind over bot flies. Does not like horse blankets on other horses. Will lose his mind. Very hard to steal, as he will not let strangers halter him. Head is too high for most people to halter anyway. Loves hugs. Accepts fly spray at liberty. Can be hoof trimmed at liberty. Hard keeper. Picks at his food. Takes forever to put weight on, needs 24/7 access to green grass. Riding ability unknown, hopefully majesticAF for all the money he’s cost.
2014 OTTB full of passion
Dark bay almost black before the sun bleaches it, height: tall, dark and oh so handsome
Hondo Lane does everything with enthusiasm. He has the spirit of a six year old boy in a sandbox with toy trucks. He is unflappable on the trail. If he does see something questionable, he spooks in slow motion. Runs beautifully in straight lines. Perfect rocking horse canter, cannot be further improved. Trot is okay. Turning abilities are questionable, recommend starting your turn well before hand. Sensitive to flies, can sense them as far away as Ecuador. Total groupie with zero social skills. Believes everyone to be his friend and approaches other horses with no sense of personal space. Great drinker. Not an easy keeper, he’s a thoroughbred after all. Feet are being rebuilt from the sole up. Consider it an investment, because it is. Loves jumping. Loves. Jumping. Takes it personally if you wish to avoid a jump, he will hate you for this. Just let him jump it, he’ll be sure to clear it. Hang on and let him go. He will go for it with more impulsion than you ask. You’ll be fine. Repeat it like a mantra. Inconsistent when loading. Is fine in the trailer if you’re in there with him. Paws when you’re not. Good luck with that. Doesn’t always stand for the farrier. Loves pets and hugs. Loves sweet nothings in his ear. Would be a lap dog if he could. Seriously great horse, if not a little high maintenance.
