I had every intention of riding this morning before the sweltering Texas heat made my breasts lactate sweat. I’d already pre-made cold brew coffee so I could sip while I exercised my dogs. Which this morning was me kicking around the soccer ball for Punkin and Sailor. But while outside, I noticed the sky turning a darker shade of gray. Meaningless or menacing? No one actually knows, even the experts. Excuse me, “experts.”
As I was up checking the weather guessers, the rain hit. This delayed my ride as it would be wet and slick at home, and probably a bit muddy on the trails. I was annoyed but at the same time I wanted to work with my new horse, Stormy.
Stormy weather for Stormy the horse
It wasn’t my plan, but I needed to get it done. He is still resistant to being anywhere near me as I hold a halter in one hand and everlasting patience in the other. It wasn’t what I wanted to do, it was what I needed to do. After about thirty minutes of working with him, I decided to get the camera and make it an eventual video for my YouTube channel.
But after an hour of working with him, Stormy was still reluctant to come too close to me while I held the offending halter. This relationship cannot be forced, and if I make a mistake, I lose 6 months of building a fragile bond with a horse who has a lifetime of trust issues.
This is the nature of productivity, unfortunately. I had plans for today. Ride. Have fun. Get some work done. Move needles. Get closer to sparking a fire to light up my creatively fueled life. Instead, I have an hour long video of a horse who won’t approach me with a halter in hand. No real needles moved. I made one meme for LinkedIn (that place needs memes like a fish needs a hook removed from its mouth), and a nagging feeling like I did nothing meaningful today.
Fun isn’t optional for me
The feeling comes to me because I needed to have fun. And I didn’t. Nothing today was fun for me. I didn’t ride. I didn’t take the dogs for their usual walk. As it’s Wednesday, the blocks were removed from my social media apps, leaving the door wide open for Facebook, YouTube and Twitter distractions. And man was I. Tucker Carlson delivered an ass whooping on Ted Cruz. Delightful to watch.
And yet, I feel badly for myself today. Because I didn’t do anything that Courtney wanted to do at the start of the day. I wanted to ride, to canter, to feel free. To write. I wanted to edit video and build more toward my new life.
So here I am, pecking out something fast. Today is the result of an unmet need. What I needed was to start the day not with what I should do but what I wanted to do. The whole day was reset and recalibrated in a way I didn’t find completely satisfactory, fueled not by productivity but distraction.
Learning and letting go (to have fun again)
I aim, now, to make sure I do not repeat this tomorrow. Tomorrow I will ride in the morning before the heat. I will edit my rough cut of the next full video. I will work with Stormy AFTER and only AFTER I have had my fun.
Now I will go edit a quick YouTube short, put on a cute outfit, and go have a margarita with my mother (which we planned yesterday).
The ride was only delayed a day. Not canceled. Delayed. A ride delayed isn’t a dream denied. Just rerouted.